Dear OTM,

Let me start off with the fact that i am a married woman with beautiful children who are my life and love. My husband on the other hand, i can do without. Men boss us, lie, cheat, sneak around, try to have authority over us and so many woman allow it, including myself. So many of my friends have lost marriages over the man cheating. Recently a very good friend of mine, who i used to look at and envy and voice my envy over her AMAZING husband. He seemed so helpful, so perfect, so kind to her.She found out after Christmas her husband has had three affairs during their six year marriage. Guess where that AMAZING husband is, Kaput out the door! That’s just one example. I imagine a life where i go to work, come home to my children, cook what i want, do what i want, don’t stress over a mans bad mood or what he wants. THAT is my fantasy these days. Of course when i imagine that life, I wonder, well what would i do without a husband? and i HATE that i have become so dependent on him to live, and i so desperately want to tell my daughter marriage is not important. I want to tell her, get your education, focus on your life, LIVE for you , yourself, Become dependent on your own backbone and that MARRIAGE IS NOT IMPORTANT. I realize i sound like a bad mother to tell my daughter this but if so many marriages end in divorce and so many married woman are miserable and feeling authorized by their husbands, what is the point of marriage?

Dear Mother,

What you wrote is ALMOST exactly what I told my daughter as she grew up.
Be your own person, get an education, follow your dreams, be self-sufficient, self reliant and self respectful.
Then when you meet the right man, one that you would consider marrying, he will recognize your strength, your will and your brain. You will know it’s the right man because he will love you for you and respect your independence. In the same token, you will have learned you can do anything with or without him because you have and your relationship will grow strong.
You my dear friend are not a bad mother, your are a product of your dependence. I left a unfit husband with 4 children ages, 2, 4, 7 & 9 with just a truck load of things and started over. It was tough, but I knew it would be. I openly accepted the fact that it had to be this way. With little or no child support, a waitress income and looking into government programs I BOUGHT my children a house. My own house. It taught me self reliance, self respect and self worth. I truly feel like I can do anything if I put my mind to it. I have fixed nearly everything myself or asked a friend to teach me how to do something and then I know for the next time it breaks.
Hell girl, I rebuilt my own water heater, put a roof on my shed, painted all the rooms, laid flooring down, landscaped my entire yard, canned my own vegetables, coached baseball and that was before breakfast…ha ha ha, I had to say that, sorry.
All of those things I said I did is true and so many more was over years of asking for someone NOT to help me, but to teach me. Anyone can do it if you aren’t afraid of messing up and having to start again or afraid of learning.
My daughter is married now. I did tell her that I don’t see the point of marriage any longer UNLESS you are planning on having a family. If you want to have children, they deserve two full time parents.
In my opinion, Mother life is hard with someone and without someone. I have been on both sides.
We must teach our children by example, not by mere words. So if you want an independent daughter, show her you are strong and she will follow.
Remember, we can only be treated or spoken to, the way WE allow others to treat us or speak to us.
Show your strength and assert yourself, you feel better about who you are and you will learn as well.

One Tough Muther

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