Dear One Tough Muther,
We have been married 25 years, have 3 wonderful college children, 2 girls 19 & 20 and a 22 year old son. We have a beautiful home, that we worked very hard to make a safe haven for our family and are finally able to breathe a bit financially, travel a few times a year and enjoy getting to know each other again. Just six months ago we were discussing buying a beach home so we, our children and someday grandchildren could vacation in the summers together. We’ve spent a week or so every summer at the beach with our children from the time they were born. It has always been our family vacation spot. When we told the kids we were going to look for a house they were beyond thrilled.
OMG Muther, omg I am sick to death over this unbearable, unbelievable devastating development, my husband Jeff is cheating and I know it.
Muther, I am seriously sick, shaking, throwing up and haven’t told a soul. I feel like my heart is going to pound out of my chest and that at any minute I may crash. How could the man I know, the father of my children, my best friend and trusted partner be who he really is? The odd part is I thought he had been acting odd for the last month or so, very quiet, private, stressed and “to tired” for fun but I calked it up to his very stressful job, his long hours, frequent travel and corporate pressure, WRONG. After reading his phone, he appears to be traveling for fun, having very relaxing, romantic dinners and enjoying his long hours more than anything else in his life. As for having “fun” it appears he has “fun” either in the morning before work, at long “business” lunches, after hours or when he is out of town, no wonder he is so tired.
Here’s how I found all of this out…..Two weeks ago he left his phone on the kitchen counter while he went out to mow the lawn. I really never see his phone but then I don’t look for it either. He continuously gets business calls and messages from colleagues and has his phone at hand at all times. You see he works in corporate fiance and has clients all over the world so messages and calls at all hours of the night are just part of our life style. Anyway, I was cleaning the kitchen table after breakfast and his phone went off. At first I ignored it figuring it was a work message however it went off again and again. In the past if he were busy or he’d leave his phone unattended and I heard it go off, he would say “why didn’t you call me, bring me the phone or tell me. It could be something important that needs to be addressed immediately.”
So when it continued to buzz, I picked it up and looked.
OMG, Muther OMG it was as though someone plunged a knife in my back and began turning it.
Her name is Shelia or that is the name he has her number under. She text in extreme detail how she enjoyed the evening they spent together at the hotel, how she has never had a man make love to her the way he does and how Sunday she made arrangements for her husband to take her children to the Frozen movie so she could have a “girls day out” with a friend.
She went on to say she planned on wearing something she knew he’d go bananas over and get waxed so he could see what she knows he loves.
With every letter, of every word I felt like the knife was turning deeper and deeper in my back. Out of reach for me to pull it out and slowly inching down. I actually threw up in the kitchen sink .
She also spoke about their “next” business trip in 6 weeks and how she is having a difficult time sleeping with her husband-“his attempt at sex repulse me so I have an excuse every time. He touches me and I want to scream.” she wrote OMG what happened to my world and where is my husband?
OTM, what do I do? I am losing my life, the life I know, the life I love, the life I worked 25 years to build. Please help me, what do I do? My children will be devastated, especially my 20 year old daughter who recently went through a very painful break up with a guy she dated for years and thought she would marry.
How, how can he do this to them, me , us? For a woman with 2 kids only old enough to watch a Disney movie? Muther, I need help I am on the edge. What do I do?
I am so very, very sorry. I know exactly how you are feeling and I actually have threads of that pain still running through me.
As I read your letter I completely understood and honesty relived it all. Paula, you have to tell him you know so you can try to get through this one day at a time.
Please call your doctor and ask them to please give you the name of an excellent therapist then go and talk this out. You need to address your feelings, unfold this mess piece by piece and sort through this unbelievably painful secret.
I’d like to say forgive and forget but well as humans we can forgive but never forget. At this point you are in shock and have no idea what his motivation or thoughts could be to selfishly dissolve everyone’s life.
So my biggest piece of advice to you is to seek out a professional therapist so you have someone who maybe able to help you peel back the layers of pain and help you fight the fear you feel.
Again I am so sorry Paula, please let me know if you need anything else.
Huge Muther Hugs,