I am a victim of a cheating husband. I had just found out earlier this year of the affair which happened a few years back. After my husband confessed, he was very ashamed and very very sorry. He would go out of his way to make me feel special, was very attentive and all that. Fast forward 7 months after the confession and its like what he did never happened and he’s given up the – courting- I guess id call it, like when you first date someone and you are their world. Now hes detatched, always checking football scores on his phone, in his own world while I’m trying to keep this house hold together (we have kids) its exhausting because all parental responsibility falls on my shoulders along with anything adult. While my husband lays on the sofa watching his sports. Well to get to the point, with his detached behavior I accuse him of being sneaky again , and he gets pissed and says im crazy or will never let what he did go.. Which I probably wont , it was devastating. I want your opinion one tough muther. My husband should be going above and beyond to make me happy, to prove that he wants to be here or is sorry- I honestly think he doesn’t care. Is this normal behavior? I will admit maybe I may have pushed him to cheat by not being good enough to him, im not perfect but it isn’t my fault though and I shouldn’t be the one trying to make us work- he should, right?
I am so sorry that this has happened to you. I have been there and I know it is one of the most painful betrayals a person can experience. Nothing seems to eliminate the pain or heal the deep scars that lies and secrecy can cause, due to infidelity.
So you find out about the affair and your husband begs for forgiveness, admits his shame and wants to move forward with your marriage. He lavishes you with attention and tries his hardest to win you back. Understandably, you agree to try and work on your marriage, because you love him and don’t want to break up your family. However unfortunately, those devastating feelings of pain and betrayal do not go away in a just few short months because the real truth is, it isn’t always easy to forgive and forget.
Nonetheless, now comfortable hubby, who has received his “second chance”, begins displaying selfish and self-centered behavior and you lash out.
Lindsey, the truth is all those feelings of hurt and betrayed that you’ve tried to suppress in an effort to get past this fracture and rebuild your marriage to quickly move forward, may end up doing more damage, than good. The process of healing and rebuilding your marriage takes time, respect and trust, three very important ingredients to building a solid base in your relationship. Your husband just can’t expect you to pick up in your marriage, where you left off before the affair. Rebuilding any relationship that has been broken through betrayal, deceit or lies takes time, understanding, love and hard work by both parties, in the marriage. These ingredients are crucial to the success of healing your heart and your marriage.
Trust is gained over time, with hard work and a true understanding of how much you have hurt the other person. BOTH partners must be fully committed to that concept or healing won’t happen.
It appears to me that your husband has decided that his actions should be now forgiven and forgotten, however you haven’t even begun to heal.
The answer to your question is NO, you are not the only one who should be working to pull this relationship back together.
Your husband should be working right alongside you, giving you the support, attention, help and understanding you need to regain his trust and ease your mental burden. And Lindsey, in NO way did you “push” your husband to cheat, weakness is a choice and he made the wrong one. If he were unhappy with your marriage, felt insecure or thought there was something in your marriage he was missing, he should have manned up, spoken to you and tried work it out.
He should not have run out to get his ego stroked and taken the chance of destroying not only your relationship, your marriage and your family, which he ultimately put at risk. He made the decision to stray, NO one made him, so don’t let the thought that it was you, cast a shadow over you.
Lindsey, because of what you are telling me about your husband’s current behavior, and how you may feel responsible for his indiscretion, that you and your husband need to see a counselor. Someone who can listen to both sides and help you flush out hurt feelings, so you can rebuild. Now mind you, I am not at all big on counseling. I honestly feel, that unless both parties are committed to “working it out” counseling can be a waste, but Honey your husband DOES NOT seem to understand your pain.
He does not understand the pain he caused you, the damage he has done and that it just doesn’t go away, in a few short months. He doesn’t seem to understand that you are suppressing hurt feelings or that his lazy, unhelpful, non-interested actions are building more resentment in you. It sounds as if he thinks “it’s over, I’m back, I said I’m sorry and so business as usual.” But it doesn’t happen that way, marriage is WORK.
Please consider counseling, so someone else can explain that your reactions are normal. That he must now completely own up, grow up and build up your relationship from ground zero again. Him calling you crazy and making you the heavy, is not working for me here and shouldn’t be working for you. Lindsey, I always say, people can only treat you and talk to you, the way you allow them to treat and talk to you. It’s time for you to stop allowing him to act as if you made the decision for him to be weak and cheat.
Please try to go to couples counseling or if nothing else, you go to someone to release your feelings. Counselors have valuable tools to help you heal from this pain. If you have insurance, find someone on your plan or ask your family doctor if they may have a recommendation. Going through this alone is very difficult, please give couples counseling a try because keeping your feelings bottled up, will only blow the lid off of things eventually.
Best of luck Lindsey and I hope I helped.
Huge Muther Hugs,
One Tough Muther