I have been divorced from my husband for nine years. During our marriage he had an on going affair which is what led to the divorce. We have three children together, Our oldest is 28 years old and we also have two teens, 14 and 17. My husband has more recently been pleading with me to try and work through our problems and bring our family back together,. He was the cheating “problem” so I don’t know what “problems” he is referring to. I have no interest in rekindling that flame and I have told him to cut the crap already and that it isn’t happening. But now he is bringing our children into. Telling our kids how our family is going to be back together and How he will win me back. My oldest told me this so I felt the need to talk to my two youngest to find out if he has been saying the same to them, and he sure has. “Dad told us how you and him are going to get back together”. Imagine my disgust that my ex would stoop that low . I had to explain and apologize to my kids that I was sorry that their father has been giving them false hope but that this will not be happening. My children are furious at me,and telling me that all this is my fault and that Dad wants to work it out and that I should want to. My oldest understands my reasons but I never told my youngest what caused the divorce. I know they are not babies anymore. Should I let this pass,without telling my kids the truth because my children will eventually forgive me, or really sit them down and let them know in the best way exactly what happened in our marriage. I know they say not to involve the children. I’d like some advice because this house hold is tense

Dear Fatima,

How terribly unfair! why is your ex-husband involving and baiting the children. In my opinion this act is selfish, self serving and completely unacceptable. When you say “they say not to involve the children” you are right however, it appears Daddy Dearest is clueless of this and has stepped way over the line.
My suggestion is to sit the children down and talk to them. Explain to them that a series of events occurred during your marriage that made it impossible for you to continue being married to their father. Tell them that you are sorry that he has given them false hope of a reconciliation and that you totally understand why they would like that however, that is not going to happen.
I DO NOT find it necessary to give out anyone most certainly the children details or paint an ugly picture of their father. They love their father as much as they love you so why supply them with too much information to assess.
You are right, they are not babies however, they also have not lived enough life and experienced enough relationships to draw an adult conclusion as to how you must feel.
Fatima, I’ll say it again, talk to them. They are in the middle of a tug of war that they have an emotion investment in this. Assure them that they are your number one priority and that you love them very much, want whats best for them and understand their wishes but to much time has passed and you feel differently about their father now. Tell them that you are sorry things can not work out and you wish only the best for their father but a reconciliation is not in the future.

I am a firm believer in talking. Talking calmly to our children, our spouses, our family or anyone we have a close relationship with helps people understand and mature.
Then speak to your ex and tell him that what he is doing is damaging and selfish. Hopefully “poor me” will think of his children first and discontinue the damage.

Good Luck & Huge Muther Hugs,

One Tough Muther

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