Two years ago my boyfriend and I had a daughter. We were already living together in an apartment, we continued working at our jobs and life was good. Nothing is perfect but our life was pretty near it. When our daughter was around 18 months my boyfriend decided to up and leave. He didnt come home that night and then came home the next day and collected his belongings while i was working and moved in with his parents. When i finally got a hold of him he said that he “just couldn’t anymore” I’m so confused.. It’s been some months now and he has gotten regular visitation with our daughter and does help out a lot with finances for our child and he also helps me with my apartment. Now i find out he is dating someone. I’ve decided to not allow him to see our daughter so i have not brought her over to his parents for visits and when he calls to tell me he wants to see her i say that he needs to explain to me what went wrong with us before that happens, i deserve that. He refuses and says there is nothing to explain, that he just doesn’t love me like he thought. That’s b.s. I need answers before he can see our baby. And besides, i don’t want some random chick around my child. I have the upper hand in this, I am her mother after all! I Should get answers before i do anything?!?

Dear Marci,

I totally understand you are hurt because you truly thought everything was “nearly perfect” but Honey you can’t use the baby as a pawn to punish him. He is actually doing all the right things for her. He is helping you, wanting to spend time with her and paying a part of your apartment bill. I am sorry to say the explanation is clear and he said it, he is/was not as committed to the relationship as you were.
I know you are very confused and understand you devastated, I’ve been there. I also understand the shock and hurt but regardless of the relationship you two had, he has a right to be a father to his daughter.
This is a very hard and hurtful situation that so many young couples are faced with. Bringing a child into any relationship is very tough under the best conditions, so when there is a painful break up that one person doesn’t understand that compounds the complexity.
Maybe it would help to tell him how hurt and surprised you were and ask him to please not involve the baby with other relationships. That you’d like their time together to be for them until she is able to understand the situation better.
However Emily, that request must go for you as well. You can not spell out rules for him, that you can not follow.
Remember, that beautiful baby did not ask to be born and you are her life line, her parents. Doing what is best for her is the number one priority, always. I know you both want her to have a happy healthy childhood and grow up feeling loved by you both.
Everything else, is a second priority, she is number one.
Try to come to an agreement for every one, especially her sake. You’ll be happy you did as she grows into a happy, healthy person.

Huge Muther Hugs,

One Tough Muther

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