Dear one tough muther,

My husband and I these days are very distant. I always feel as though he is always choosing to go out with his buddy or out doing what his interests are but yet when it comes to the kids and I, and going to the park for the day or maybe spend the night at the drive in movie he acts like a soar puss attitude. And times when he is home he acts miserable or like he is not even here. I am with my children all day and now that school is over it is a full time job and sometimes i would like a break or a little help and He just disappears to our room to watch tv or announcing that he is going out for a little.We don’t speak hardly at all, we go about our way without communication and most nights he doesnt sleep with me until the late morning hours. Don’t get me wrong. He is a good father and takes care of us but yet his free time he never spends it with us. Any free time he has he is off doing what he wants to do. It’s very depressing. I feel alone and I feel like I am not married and I feel like what the hell is the point of being married. I had a big talk with him several times of how he needs to put more effort with the kids and I and put us first more and he agreed but with no action and this is a reoccurring cycle year after year and I am pooped. My question is : In your opinion is it better to be alone in a dead marriage OR is it better to leave the marriage (at some point) and be alone without love <– this is whats worrying me.

Dear Lauren,

Marriage is constant work. Like friendship you have to connect to stay close.
I’m sorry to say but your husband sounds like a spoiled, inconsiderate and self centered child. He chose you as his wife to share a life with and now he decides he will share HIS life alone. Grow up.
Like you he has responsibilities to his marriage and his family. If he wants to be a part time father and no husband then move on. Leaving you constantly for his buddies is acting like a 15 year old. The lack of communication and respect for every one else is ridiculous.

The weekend consists of 2 days. He should be able and willing to do what “he” wants and have plenty of time for you and the family. Lecturing him is an obvious failure because like a child he listens and yes’s you to death but doesn’t change a thing. Lauren, raising children alone without his support is very, very difficult. You say he is a good father but a crappy husband and friend. STOP putting up with this childish behavior and demand respect and consideration.
He can schedule his “events/down time” and you schedule family time that he MUST take part in. He obviously doesn’t know or hasn’t learned that marriage means you are a family, a unit and that it is important to act accordingly. Maybe he was raised in a household where no one spoke and everyone did their own thing.
Enough, is enough. Ask him to start being a husband and father first and a best bud later because life is short and children grow up fast.
If he doesn’t respect your feelings and put any effort into the marriage, then I’d say “at some point” something has to change. At that point all he may have left is being a “best bud”.

Good luck and Huge Muther Hugs,

OTM

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