Feel, well don’t know how to feel other than empty. Wife of 25 yrs passed 16 months ago…childhood sweetheart. Worked with a woman for a yr prior to wifes passing, then went with her for next 6 months. I’ll call her Jane. I fell in love w/her, all of her. She broke it off and I cannot get over her. We talked about marriage and such. She said She was done being my distraction and whore. I have not seen her for 8 mnths and cannot move passed her. I pgobably sound like a love strivken puppy dog but it is so very muvh more. S

I know you probably recrive these stories alot but this is the real deal re: my love for her. I’m truly having a hard time and perhaps it just is not ok to go on. As I say, if God had to start over….he would start with her. I know beauty when I see it, Lana Turner, Grace Kelly, elizabeth Taylor, Janet Leigh, Gene Tierney…all intrinsically beatiful yet cannot compare to HER… I need help.

Dear Mark,

You don’t sound like a love sick puppy dog, you sound hurt, in pain and lost. Let me make sure I read this right,I am trying very hard to get this straight. Your wife of 25 years passed away 16 months ago for which I offer my condolences. After your wife’s passing you became involved with a woman you worked with and dated her for 6 months. In that 6 month time you fell completely in love with “Jane” however she felt for some reason she was your distraction among other things and ended the relationship. Now you have not seen “Jane” in 8 months and you can’t move past her or move on.
I hope I got everything right.
Mark, you are dealing with some very deep, strong emotions and all at the same time. Your wife of 25 years passes away and shortly after you fall deeply in love with a woman you work with, understandable you were probably lost and lonely. However Mark, I don’t think you gave yourself the time you needed to grieve the loss of your wife and rediscover who you were after being a couple for 25 years. I am sure you love “Jane” and feel her loss deeply but I have to be honest I am not sure the loss for “Jane” isn’t compounded by not healing and moving on from the loss of your wife.
After losing someone we love we react in such unexpected or different ways. Some people seek solitude, like me, some people seek a new beginning by moving away or reinventing themselves and some people seek shelter by looking for a relationship to replace the one they had just lost. Grief is a very personal emotion and there is no right or wrong way to handle it.
Mark, I am sure you loved “Jane” and the memory you have of her is pure perfection however I am also sure you must have loved your wife and the deep love for “Jane” filled that void of her loss.
Mark, I want you to go to a grief counselor or therapist and explain to them exactly how you feel. You need help sorting out your jumbled network of raw emotions and I can not do that in a letter. You need to start from the beginning and discuss each loss separately and place them on the table so you can piece together this confusion and loss. I believe that when we get so deeply absorbed by loss we begin to have a difficult time sorting things out for ourselves. Mark, my boyfriend committed suicide in my home and I felt tremendous guilt and loss. I met this wonderful man after my very painful divorce so I also had compounded losses. I have a very difficult time remembering the entire year or even longer after his death because like you I fell so deeply down. I felt confused, lost and devastated. My girlfriend is a doctor and speaking with her really helped me sort out each life shattering event and deal with them separately, one at a time.
I want you to know it is not ok to think, “perhaps it just is not ok to go on” and you need someone to help you understand why that is wrong.
Mark, please promise me you will seek out a doctor, grief counselor or therapist and talk to them. You must try, if only once because it is what you truly need. You wrote to me for help and so I know you are searching for some direction, a life line so please take my advice to heart. I care about you and what happens to you because I have felt the very same way and know how overwhelming it can be. I clearly remember feeling so alone and isolated in a room full of friends and family because I couldn’t work through my pain. Promise me Mark, promise me you will speak to someone and write me back to tell me how you are doing.
Mark, I understand your pain and I am sure there are many others who do as well. You must fight to heal, you must get help.

Huge Muther Hugs,

One Tough Muther

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