I wrote a while back about my ‘situation’ which initiated with my wife’s death after 25 yrs of marriage. I then was with another woman shortly after for about 8 months which ended last April. I was in love with my wife but then fell in love with this woman who I will again call Jane. I am now 10 months without her as she ended it stating that she was done being my ‘distraction’. You wrote me back saying I need time to grieve over my wife’s passing and that I should seek perhaps a professional to talk to as I essentially have lost the two true loves of my life within the last 18 mnths. I have been on an anti-depressent and have spoken to a psychiatrist a few times yet I cannot stop my want and longing for Jane. I think of my wife everyday but I know I cannot bring her back. I know Jane is still out there somewhere and I obsess about her ‘everything’. She is who I me tioned in my first passage to you where her beauty is above even the true beauties of hollywood from past, Lana Turner (who Jane looks like but even more stunning), Grace Kelly, Ava Gardner, Gene Tierney, Elizabeth Taylor. I know I’m rambling but it helps talking about her. No one wants me to do that. As for the anti-depressent med. I really don’t think it is helping. I have a hard time putting one foot in front of the other sometimes because I am thinking about her, or a flashback of her pops into my head, or something I see reminds me. I lose my breath for a moment. Obsessed? Probably. Infatuated with her ? Most likely. So completely in love with her? Absolutely. I have had the pleasure of dating two other women since but cannot give them my full self because I only think of Jane. I don’t want to sound desparate but I am empty without her….and useless to others. I’m sorry to reach out and I know there is no magic cure for this. I go on as I still have hope to be with her again some day. I just cannot stand the awful pain and overwelming want for her. Again, I apologize for reaching out but thank you in advance for this forum….Mark

Dear Mark,

Please do not apologize, you have nothing to apologize for, I am here to help anyone I can.
The loss of someone you love is so devastating. However you feel you have lost two people you loved in a very short period of time so I am sure that can feel crippling. Mark, you must continue with the course you are on. You are moving in the right direction by meeting other women, seeking help from a doctor and speaking to a professional. I implore you Mark, to please continue this course, however more consistently. Believe it or not, you are taking all the right steps by helping yourself to get through this most difficult time. However slow or small the steps may seem to be, you are actively playing a part in helping yourself come to terms with what has happened in your life.
Please continue seeing the doctor and please, please Mark find a therapist you like, feel comfortable with and that you can go to regularly and release your overwhelming pain. By speaking to a professional, releasing your feelings, getting them out and addressing them, you may start to understand your obsession with Jane and how to move past it.
Mark, don’t carry this burden around any longer, it has been long enough. I am not a professional therapist or doctor but I am a caring person and a friend. My suggestion is you get the help you need by regularly speaking to a professional and allow yourself to feel better. Mark, you truly deserve it.

Good Luck & huge Muther Hugs,

One Tough Muther

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