When I was 15 I knew that I was gay. I had a girlfriend and we came out to her parents and my own as well. Her parents were ok with this but my own were not and it was the worst time of my life. My parents threatened to send me away to be straightened out , to disown me all sorts of things. In the end my best route was to say being gay was a faze, but it wasn’t. I grew up dated men, eventually got happily married to a wonderful man and was married for 20 years had to kids. I am recently divorced though because I had to admit to my husband how I am and he wasn’t surprised much but agreed to keep my secret. We have stayed close friends. No one else knows about me and I am hesitate to come out. I know i will be happier once I do because I feel like I have been wearing a mask my whole life. Is there any chance coming out in my 40’s will go ok? Should I just remain living straight? What brought all this is on is in my book club I met a nice woman who is a lesbian and it sparked my interest. Maybe not in her but it reminded me of my true feelings. What is your advice? Am I kidding myself thinking a 40 something woman can come out and it will go ok or that I will be able to find someone to share my remaining years?

Dear Betty,

You sound like a very nice women. You spoke highly of your marriage and of your relationship with your ex-husband.
Who is it you are worried about telling? Your friends? Your colleagues? Your family? or is it your children because that is truly the only people you should be concerned with.
Betty, I don’t know if you have girls, boys or both and I don’t know their ages. I don’t know if you are close with them, if you’ve ever had open conversations on your or their view of same sex relationships. I don’t know if they know or suspect why you divorced or if they care but I do know you have to do what is truly in your heart.
Let’s consider these points. Will it be easy? who knows. You it take a while for everyone, you as well as others to accept? Maybe. Will others understand? Maybe. Will there be questions? Yes. Will your children understand? Not sure. Will you still be their Mother and love them the way you always have? YES. Will you be the same person? Yes.
Here’s the big one Betty…Will this make YOU feel complete and free? ________ You fill in the blank.
I have to wonder if you break it down in bits, tell your kids first so they have a chance to grasp it and maybe understand it and then others if that would work better. Your ex-husband has certainly been wonderful.
Betty, what I would do is speak to other gay people on-line, read other stories and check out blogs and ask how they handled coming out. You have a world of information and help at your finger tips and I am sure there will be fabulous sites and wonderful people to help you do what’s best for you.
Good Luck Betty and thank you so very much for trusting me enough to ask for my help. I wish I could guide you better and truly hope I helped by giving you some thoughts to consider. I wish you the very best.

Huge Muther Hugs,

One Tough Muther

Share This