Dear One Tough Muther,
I found out three months ago that my husband had an on going affair with someone that we both knew. When i found out i told him he had one hour to collect his sh*t and be gone. He did and went and lived with his parents for two months. I let him come back home over much discussion and thought, believe me. He’s been home a month now. We have children so i had to put that in mind for the kids to have their father. Well we are in counseling and trying to work through this. My husband walks around like nothing has happened with out a care in the world. I am torn up inside and every time he goes out I think he’s with someone else. I can’t help but analyze every face expression every smile he makes at any woman wondering if it is a sign of interest to the woman. One tough Muther I am feeling like I may have let my husband move back home to soon. I am feeling like i can not handle him around. He doesnt seem very sorry and it HURTS. My counselor suggested having my husband find a place of his own so that I have time to “grieve”. and that if i feel later on that i can forgive him then slowly move back into the relationship. I’m scared to loose my husband if i were to do that. I fear if he is separate he will certainly find another woman to entertain him. But OTM I know you will tell me the truth and I need it. Because at this point, i can’t live with him BUT i can not live without him. 🙁
I am so sorry. This damn mess is one of the toughest decisions to make and such torture for you. I totally understand where you are coming from and how you feel. So, let’s break it down.
You are trying to take all the proper steps for your marriage, your children and the sake of your family. You are in counseling and you are trying to work through the hurt. However, he walks around like it is any day in May and nothing has changed. It appears he has NO clue how much he hurt you.
Jodenna, you are not yet past the betrayal, lies, shock or pain. Watching him carry on as if nothing ever happened feels like a knife being stuck in your back that you can’t reach to remove. I’m sure you are not asking him to bow at your feet, but how about trying to understand your feelings, pain and mistrust. How about trying to win your heart and trust back or acting more sensitive to your hurt. If he is not doing what it takes to help YOU move forward and obviously he’s not, I’d have to think maybe he just doesn’t get the gravity of what he did.
I understand your fear of losing him completely, possibly dissolving your family and changing the future. Those feelings are all valid, but I’m not too sure that hasn’t already happened. I’m also afraid if he didn’t value your love and family before all this by not rejecting and working through the feelings to cheat. He is weak, plain and simply, down and dirty. He didn’t have the balls to stand up to you before this started and tell you he was having second thoughts or the balls to fight infidelity.
Jodenna, you now have to do what’s best for you and your children emotionally. I’m sure all of this has taken a toll on them and children easily notice when parents are having issues. He was out of the house for a few months. You sound like a strong, thoughtful and bright woman. You want to do what’s best for your family and for that I commend you. You’re seeing someone to get the help you need to work through this tragic situation while seeing him bounce along like nothing ever happened is destroying you.
My suggestion, take your time to make this decision. No one can tell you what to do, you have to follow your own heart. Continue with counseling and talk through your pain. If things don’t seem to line up in the next month or two and he doesn’t own up to how much he hurt you, then he needs to go. Once he leaves if he does find someone else to “entertain” him and not step up to the plate for you and the family, then that’s where it was headed along.
Jodenna, you and your children are what’s important. If he doesn’t get that and fight for his family, he was never going too.
Your husband was responsible for breaking your trust and shattering your heart, now he is responsible to fit it.
If he can’t get that now and work at you and this marriage, I have to think he is never going too.
Good luck, my heart and thoughts are with you.
Huge Muther Hugs,